Putting the metaphorical pen to paper because it's been entirely too long! I'll be the first to admit that being open to sharing intimate details about my life is a privilege and a curse. It is therapeutic to find community in life's peaks and pits, but somewhere along the journey, it became safer to retreat. There were people that took my transparency for weakness and tried their absolute best to make me dim my light. That was a tough realization after taking such a huge leap to move 3,000+ miles away from the only home I have known. Life looks completely different a year and change since I last posted because I was then and am still allowing myself the space to physically and mentally acknowledge the depressive slmp that was my life for the better part of my time in the PNW.
So let's recap the larger line items: I'm back in the city too busy to hate, just as quickly as I joined the tech girlies--I've exited expeditiously, and I am finding my place in the lives of those that actively evolved in my absence.
The past six months have been quiet chaos as I seek new anchors, learn a new role in a completely new industry, and unlearn the coping mechanisms that have enabled some very unhealthy behaviors. I don't want this post to sound like the world's smallest violinist, but I had no idea how bad things had gotten until I found myself completely detached from anything that felt familiar. The community I created in Wasginton could only fill so much of the void that existed. There was no desire to dream or be hopeful for the future. Life in Washington was like a fever dream. Ultimately, that mental valley brought me closer to the only person that could help me evolve--MYSLEF!
Of course, it was not ALL BAD! I published my first book, kicked off the third season of the podcast, made some of the most impactful friendships, and closed the chapter on a financial freeze that was my bankruptcy (2 years early might I add).
It all was just sooo much. There were many growing pains. I can only pray that maybe God can sprinkle the lessons a little further apart and closer to home going forward, but I wouldn't trade the last two years for anything. I am now open to understanding the message hidden in life's messes. I have given myself grace to grieve the past versions of myself and it's time to embrace who I am in all the dynamic complexities. I'm challenging you (and myself) to stop making excuses for why life doesn't align with the you from Christmas pasr and simply make space for the you that exist at this moment in time.
I joke with my Seattle Sister-wife, Sophia, that the doomsday calendar says we got until 2055 to get right with God! All in jest, but it is a subtle reminder that none of our days are promised. We have to continue to be intentional with the energetic exchanges we have right now. I want to write more--so I will write more. I want to leave people better than I meet them--so I will make time to foster deeper, meaningful connections. I want to unbig my back--so you know what?? I will change my relationship with food...eventually...baby steps! All in all, I want to be better tomorrow than I was today. I'm going to stand in my greatness and bring you all along for the ride.
From now until eternity. Thank you for reading.
xo